polyamory, love, and its discontents

I’ve been dating Catch for 3 months now and I’m still enjoying his company. His flaws have begun to show through, and this past Friday, he realized that being polyamorous with me had a different meaning for him, as a straight man, than it does for me.

In an odd way, my “otherness” allows me more freedom in this way of living. Being a cis-gendered and white affords me the privilege of blending in. As a cis female, I am not expected to be open to (taboo!) things such as open relationships, so being poly actually makes me more desirable. Bisexuality means that I’m accepted in both straight and lesbian circles. Being relatively attractive by conventional standards means I have even more choice. I rarely have to seek people out, and when I do, I’m not often turned away.

Catch went to a pub we enjoy for a lesbian dance party night. One of his best friends is a lesbian and he fancied a good beer, so he said he’d end up there that night. Although he started out with making new friends, it ended up being a rough night. He was feeling othered by the lesbian who glared at him all evening and when he asked the server out, she turned him down. Meanwhile, I danced with friends, snagged a number from a woman who was admiring me at the next table over, and reconnected with the woman I recognized from a summer party (I’d made out with her drunkenly, but we never exchanged information). It hurt him that “I could do whatever I wanted” and he couldn’t.

Now, this was all terrible timing on his part (especially as he’s previously confessed that he enjoys being naive to the darker things in life). Going to a lesbian dance night with your poly, bi girlfriend and then hitting on the ONLY person in the entire city who sees us as a couple on a regular basis? He found out the hard way that 1) she’s straight and 2) not everyone is okay with dating someone in an open relationship. He got upset and left. I went to his house and comforted him as we talked about it.

This is the kind of event that reminds me that choosing a poly life is not actually easier than a traditional relationship. You have to balance the feelings of anyone involved with you. I’m constantly gauging whether Catch is still okay with everything. It’s also a balance of several worlds for me – professional and personal, with endless sub-branches and overlaps in each network. Being well known in my city is a burden to keeping my personal life quiet, but needed in my professional life.

Catch has a few things to sort out on his own – the reality of what poly means for him and how he will negotiate it is one thing. He is also at a stage where he is realizing that I’m still around, and I’m still not going anywhere. He is used to abandonment or breakups by this stage. He cares more than he knows how to comprehend. He doesn’t know how to deal with it and has become quieter and more moody.

When he tells me that he loves me now, I don’t know how to react. The initial flame, for me, is already turning into a burning ember – only flaring every so often, like it did when he fell asleep by my side last night. I think about him but don’t desire to be with him all the time. I see his flaws. I get annoyed with his habits, like the way he slurps liquids or when he gets tired and refuses to admit it.

I have such a problem with “love” and what it is supposed to mean. I feel like it’s leaking away from me and I don’t know if I care or not. Perhaps I’m in emotional burn-out. I don’t desire sex as much, and I’m losing my grasp on my other relationships. For now, I’ll just let it be.

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awakening my sex

Quite simply, Catch has awakened a sex drive in me that I can’t compare. I desire more, in more places, in different ways. We share our ideas and fantasies about sex. The best part is that I am free to explore desire with others. And I’m doing so.

His appetite is not what you would think by looking at him. He is rough and almost villainous…and the first person to arouse me by doing things I think would offend me.

So, there’s that.

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Everyone Says I Am Running Away

I couldn’t agree more.

Thought Catalog

When I started traveling, my dad asked what I’m running away from. My mother constantly wants to know when I will “settle down” and join the “real world”. Someone once commented on my blog and told me to stop running away and live life. There was even a blog called “Mom says I’m Running Away” once.

I’m not sure why, but there is this perception out there that anyone who travels long-term and isn’t interested in settling down or getting a conventional job must be running away from something.

They are just trying to “escape life.”

The general opinion is that traveling is something everyone should do — that gap years after college and short vacations are acceptable. But for those of us who lead nomadic lifestyles, or just linger a bit too long somewhere, we are running away.

Yes, travel — but just not for too long.

We nomads must have…

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part time dominatrix for hire

Working through the night, like I have been recently, has led me down some interesting paths. Some of introspection and focused work, but on the recreational side of things, it’s as if I am some kind of animal at night. My fantasies and I are becoming acquainted through new websites, videos, pornography, research and, yes, free online forums like Craigslist.

As I have been doing a lot of research on the sex trade, porn, etc, I was curious a few nights ago about what was actually available on Craigslist. I found forums for all kinds of dating, sex acts, and services I actually had to Google. I now know what “pegging” is the correct term for. Who knew there were all of these proper terms for things? Fascinating.

Anyway, among the ads for various kinds of sexual arrangements, I found a request for a dominatrix with little to no experience. Cash paid, in my town, and he would provide all of the equipment. Huh.

I always considered myself to be a “switch”, or someone who enjoys both being submissive and dominant. With my first lover and long term boyfriend, I’d experimented with dominating, hot wax, spanking, biting, restraints, role playing, mind games, etc. I now know that what I considered to be casual sexual experimentation was far from most people’s realm of experience. As a switch, the reason I’m turned on by being submissive is that it’s a welcome release from my Type A personality in every other aspect of my life. Plus, I have absolutely no moral objection to BDSM. Consent is consent.

Bitch, I didn't say you could talk.

Bitch, I didn’t say you could talk.

So, I applied for the Dom position with an email. I got to know him and his requirements a little better through a series of emails. “Slave” (that’s what I’ll call him) only wants some good, old fashioned torture. No sex. No safe-words. 2 hours of play at my complete discretion. His body and mind, for those 2 hours, are mine.  Outside of those 2 hours, we are equals. Discretion is paramount for both of us. Something dark and primal in me had been stirred. I’m sold. I set up a meeting in a public place to discuss it further.

Of course, I told Catch about all of this, which only intrigued him. I love that I can tell him everything. We often toy with switching top/bottom roles. In some comfortable way, he reminds me of my first lover (body style, dark features, sexual interests). As long as the new “job” didn’t change how I am with him in bed, he’s good with it. If anything, it would only feed by desire to explore my sub side. I need the balance. Male/female. Dom/sub. Balance.

My meeting with Slave was supposed to be today. He got called into work unexpectedly, due to the weather (Catch and I both thought he was white collar, but we seem to be wrong), so is rescheduling our meeting with me.

I am curious to see how much of my darker nature will come to the surface. There is some deep corner of my psyche that I have been filling for years, as I learned to “fit in” at various offices. I’ve been rounding my sharp edges and now I get a chance to reset. I have no fear about this potential job. Is that odd? My only actual concern is that I don’t want to have to dress up every time. Hardly an alarm bell of moral trouble, but we’ll see what meeting Slave in person brings up. Perhaps a reality check?

Dominatrix adventure, to be continued….


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honest polyamorous reality

The poly adventure I last posted about didn’t happen exactly the way I had planned. The four of us planned this night and prepped for it to be “the night”…but what happened (after all the buffing and shaving and nervous laughter and dabbing of delicious scents) is that got together, shared a meal and hung out until Lady L waved the work-in-the-morning white flag at 11pm.

Nobody made a move. 

I thought it would have been Lady L, since she seemed to be the cornerstone in all of this, but now that I think about it, that was kind of unfair to assume. But I did. Truthfully, I was relieved because my romantic connection with Doorman had been waning and I kept looking over at him, wishing that it were Catch sitting in that chair. I saw Lady L and her BF out the door, gathered my things, and went home.

I later texted Lady L and said that there were no hard feelings (pun!) about the evening. I was glad we got a chance to hang out, all four of us. It is always a rule that enthusiastic consent is important, of course. I wanted her to know that I was fumbling with what to do next, too. When I got home, I had to sort of smile about all of this… it’s what real life sex and relationships are like! First times are clumsy and end differently than you expect, sometimes.

We all agreed to reschedule for the following Sunday evening. This time, we all swore that someone would make a move! I coyly promised to just take off my pants and let that be the cue. Frankly, I have a great ass and I like to flaunt it with lacy boy shorts. What better place? Doorman texted Lady L and I to tell us that he bought a sexy truth-or-dare icebreaker game.

Me: “Truth or dare? Are we in middle school?” I asked him lightly, snorting my amusement at his seemly studious problem solving skills.

Doorman: “It’s a little more daring than middle school!” he assured me.

Me: “…I doubt it. I had a really dirty mind then, too.”

Doorman: “I grew up in a small town. I wasn’t exposed to anything like that until college.”

Me: “Oh,” I said, realizing that he is far geekier and inexperienced than his exterior might suggest. That looming, scary, manly figure is really a dorky teenager who wants to play his first naughty game of truth or dare. Adorable? Hmmm…

Doorman and I went on “real dates” twice since then. He took me out for a pint one night and then out to a beautiful (and thoughtful) dinner a few nights ago. I couldn’t get past this distant feeling I got with him. I saw a friend in front of me, but I was digging deep for any kind of sexual desire. Maybe it was the fact that he lost his “edge” to me over the last few weeks, but I couldn’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know that feeling from marriage. That lying inner voice that assures me that if I “make do” I will enjoy it later. Nothing comes of that but resentment and guilt. I knew I couldn’t continue this. Things with Catch had changed me. I had to come clean with myself and with Doorman.

So, the day that Round Two of the poly playtime was planned, I bailed. I said I was overwhelmed. I told Lady L that I was going to pause things with Doorman for a while. I came clean with Doorman, stating that I was feeling like I needed to put sexy-times on hold.  I mentioned that I might be falling for Catch and I didn’t know how that played into all of this quite yet. I explained that I would still be a friend. Since the only “terms” of our relationship were, (1) this is an open, uncommitted relationship and (2) if anything should change for either of us, communicate it immediately, he received my news gracefully. Both Lady L and Doorman both basically said, “Ok, take care of YOU first. Thank you for telling me. I’m here if you need to talk. No sweat” And that’s that.

I told Catch about all of this, of course. I feel lucky to have such people in my life, because this experience could have been much, much more awkward. I am proud of myself for being honest and addressing it right away. That feels good. Everyone is communicating well and everyone is on the same page. It’s kind of amazing, really.

If love and polyamory are like this, I’m still stoked about it all. And maybe there’s a possibility to play with Lady L and her BF alone…or with Catch. Now THAT seems great to me.

To be continued….

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sex-positive + polyamorous + new adventure


I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m likely polyamorous and I’ve been spending more time  thinking about sex, watching sex-related documentaries, watching pornography and considering my thoughts and feelings around my own sexuality than I ever have before. The sexual awakening continues and I continue to explore what that means for me.

The plot thickens, especially as I am pretty much totally in love with Catch. The road trip out West and meeting his parents only made this more steady. We connect so well intellectually, it’s…absolutely delicious. We spent a lot of time perusing book stores and wandering around towns. In case you’re wondering, he’s also cool with everything I’ve been exploring and the fact that I have other sexual partners. He says he doesn’t question how I feel about him (as he shouldn’t) and he simply allows me to be me. He doesn’t want me to change. This makes me love him more.

Tonight will be a new experience in this saga. I’m getting together with my lady lover (henceforth Lady L), her boyfriend (they are selectively poly) and my other male lover (henceforth Doorman) for my first group sex experience. I’ve shaved, spritzed, prepped and planned for tonight. I’m a little nervous. I secretly wish all of this was with Catch, but maybe that’s another time. I wonder if I will think about Catch while with the others tonight…

Doorman and I have been talking about going to sex clubs and exploring those things together for many months now. Lady L and Doorman know each other because Doorman was there when I met (and romanced) her this summer. Aside from a lover, Doorman understands the emotional complications that come with divorce and has been a good friend to me over the last number of months. He always offers to bring over soup if I’m not feeling well and do nice things for me. He lent me some money when I was in a grind. There is a closeness between us and he’s really a good man in general. He’s not looking for a relationship either, and we talk openly about everything. I’d say of my three lovers, he’s seen the most of who I am. I care about Doorman, but I am not in love with him. I am comfortable with him and trust him.

Now…Lady L could be a whole other blog post. She’s very sharp, outspoken, experienced, fun, and sexually evolved. She awakens something in me that I’ve never had the opportunity to act on before. I surprise myself around her because aside from the fact that I enjoy sex with her, I want her to cuddle into me. I want to kiss the nape of her neck and talk with her long into the night in hushed voices. I feel so….romantic…around her, but she also makes me feel nervous, like if I do the wrong thing, she’ll be gone. I feel like I understand cis straight men now, in some bizzaro way. I don’t feel the desire to “keep” her in any way, but I wish she were more affectionate with me.

So, there’s a run-down of what’s happening. Wish me luck tonight, oh random readers.

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…i think i fell in love.

A few weeks ago, I could not have seen this coming.

So, my quest to let things be as they are has led me to an interesting impasse. Amid all of my freedom seeking, polyamorous fun times, the person I wrote “Catch” (see previous post) for has earned my respect and my heart in a way that I could not expect.

As it stood 2 weeks ago, I had 3 steady lovers and a handful of suitors. Two men and a woman, all of whom were completely in the loop about each other and even had met each other. A big part of this experience for me is knowing that I am being honest with myself and honest with those I care about, especially with those who share a bed with me. I also kept an open mind that I need to explore my emotions and allow things to happen as they did, without attachment to too many ideas about how things should be. The only real “rule” aside from honesty, was to honour the fact that I really do want to experience the freedom of being without a committed relationship. I had a vague guiding idea to remain single and uncommitted until I could finalize my divorce papers in Spring 2014.

Now… I have fallen for “Mr. Catch” and it has forced me to know myself, be more honest than ever and really examine what I need right now. Part of why I’ve fallen for him is the fact that he told me point blank, “If you ever become someone other than yourself because you’re around me, I don’t want to see you any more.” He so fiercely loves my company for exactly who I am that he is also completely okay with my vagabonding plans and the fact that I may keep other lovers. He is so secure in himself and comfortable with who I am that I hardly know what to think. By setting me free, I fell madly for him. He gets it.

Is this what I’ve been looking for? Real love is something that makes you feel MORE free, not contained. What a boggling concept. I get it now.

And so, begins another quest into the depths of my mind and heart to consider whether I’m polyamorous in a long-term lifestyle sense or not. Plenty of thoughts to unpack on the matter and I’m not being rushed.

I go on Road Trip #2 with “Catch” this coming Saturday. For a week. And I’m meeting his family.

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