It’s an odd thing to observe my own thoughts about gender and sexuality shifting. Unpacking and repacking. The evolution of my own sexuality is a fascinating thing to behold, even for someone cis-gendered and considering her new “label”. I can’t say in good conscience that I’m a straight girl with an “appreciation” for female beauty any longer. I’m a few too many honest self-reflections away from that. So, aside from my curiosities in theory, what will it be like in practice? What kind of hesitancies and remaining social conditioning will challenge me? Am I truly pansexual? I can’t wait to experience all of this. I hope my mind is as open in practice as I believe it to be in theory.
Regardless of that outcome, I have reclaimed that old inner fire again. FINALLY, she’s back. That confident, sly, seductive piece of myself that was sleeping for the last few years. I missed her. I thought I’d lost her when I started hating the chore of sex with my husband. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I thought I must resign to the dull, sorrowful existence. It felt like my very soul was checking out…to “put up with it”. There was nothing wrong with me – I was just in a relationship with someone I didn’t love and was not attracted to in any way whatsoever. Now, that seems so ridiculous as I can freely follow my desires again.
This sexual freedom is a sweet experience. I’m careful to keep the “should”s in check as I explore my options. Nobody gets to dictate this experience. It’s all mine. The lust, the power, the tenderness, the fierceness, the vulnerability and the sheepishly unshaven legs all the same. It’s all mine, bitches. I’m in the driver’s seat again and the passenger could be anyone.
All I’ve gotta say is… FUCK YEAH.