In the past few months, I’ve cycled through all kinds of emotions and mindsets about people and attraction. I held my tongue when I wanted to say “I’m falling for you” twice now. I’m glad I didn’t say anything because maybe that’s not what falling in love feels like. That’s what regular romantic emotions feel like, probably. I admit I was/am starved for a real emotional connection and this is a weird sea to navigate. But perhaps I just discovered a quality I have been denying…I fall for people quickly. But I also fall OUT of love quickly. So then…is it love at all or am I frantically grasping at emotional depth and smothering it with enough sex to convince myself it’s love? A dangerous game.
I’ve been introspective also about my own sexual orientation. I’ve been noticing these little habits (quickly averting eyes when looking at a woman) that don’t help things. How did I become this way? Maybe I thought prolonged eye contact with a woman would be disrespectful? I still haven’t gathered the nerve to dance with a woman at the gay bar. A new challenge to conquer – talking to women in a new sense!
My surroundings have been more queer than ever, though. The team I am part of is mostly gay and I’ve been spending far more time in the gay scene than ever before. I feel like less of an impostor, though I have already met some interesting foes, like “looking too straight”. I will look how I want to look, thank you.
On the topic of sex, things have been good in my world. I have abandoned almost all shame about my body, sex, social constructs around dating. Fuck it (sometimes, literally). I am living more and more by the “if it feels good, do it” mantra. So far, no major drama.
I’ve found this calm, comfortable, gentle place within when I let go of expectation or conditioning about when you “should” hook up and what you “should” feel or not feel. Going with the flow…. This feels so powerful. So incredibly powerful. And it’s not the kind of power I’m used to feeling when I’m “in control” in previous incarnations of my psyche. Before, I was so wound up and stern. Now, I’ve surrendered to seeing what happens, pushing boundaries, expressing tenderness freely and laying around naked in the daylight. I bought more sex toys. I still have some boundaries and enough subconscious criteria before bedding someone. My private life is still private. It’s delightful.
This sense of liberation is overwhelming. I am Venus.