A few weeks ago, I could not have seen this coming.
So, my quest to let things be as they are has led me to an interesting impasse. Amid all of my freedom seeking, polyamorous fun times, the person I wrote “Catch” (see previous post) for has earned my respect and my heart in a way that I could not expect.
As it stood 2 weeks ago, I had 3 steady lovers and a handful of suitors. Two men and a woman, all of whom were completely in the loop about each other and even had met each other. A big part of this experience for me is knowing that I am being honest with myself and honest with those I care about, especially with those who share a bed with me. I also kept an open mind that I need to explore my emotions and allow things to happen as they did, without attachment to too many ideas about how things should be. The only real “rule” aside from honesty, was to honour the fact that I really do want to experience the freedom of being without a committed relationship. I had a vague guiding idea to remain single and uncommitted until I could finalize my divorce papers in Spring 2014.
Now… I have fallen for “Mr. Catch” and it has forced me to know myself, be more honest than ever and really examine what I need right now. Part of why I’ve fallen for him is the fact that he told me point blank, “If you ever become someone other than yourself because you’re around me, I don’t want to see you any more.” He so fiercely loves my company for exactly who I am that he is also completely okay with my vagabonding plans and the fact that I may keep other lovers. He is so secure in himself and comfortable with who I am that I hardly know what to think. By setting me free, I fell madly for him. He gets it.
Is this what I’ve been looking for? Real love is something that makes you feel MORE free, not contained. What a boggling concept. I get it now.
And so, begins another quest into the depths of my mind and heart to consider whether I’m polyamorous in a long-term lifestyle sense or not. Plenty of thoughts to unpack on the matter and I’m not being rushed.
I go on Road Trip #2 with “Catch” this coming Saturday. For a week. And I’m meeting his family.