I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m likely polyamorous and I’ve been spending more time thinking about sex, watching sex-related documentaries, watching pornography and considering my thoughts and feelings around my own sexuality than I ever have before. The sexual awakening continues and I continue to explore what that means for me.
The plot thickens, especially as I am pretty much totally in love with Catch. The road trip out West and meeting his parents only made this more steady. We connect so well intellectually, it’s…absolutely delicious. We spent a lot of time perusing book stores and wandering around towns. In case you’re wondering, he’s also cool with everything I’ve been exploring and the fact that I have other sexual partners. He says he doesn’t question how I feel about him (as he shouldn’t) and he simply allows me to be me. He doesn’t want me to change. This makes me love him more.
Tonight will be a new experience in this saga. I’m getting together with my lady lover (henceforth Lady L), her boyfriend (they are selectively poly) and my other male lover (henceforth Doorman) for my first group sex experience. I’ve shaved, spritzed, prepped and planned for tonight. I’m a little nervous. I secretly wish all of this was with Catch, but maybe that’s another time. I wonder if I will think about Catch while with the others tonight…
Doorman and I have been talking about going to sex clubs and exploring those things together for many months now. Lady L and Doorman know each other because Doorman was there when I met (and romanced) her this summer. Aside from a lover, Doorman understands the emotional complications that come with divorce and has been a good friend to me over the last number of months. He always offers to bring over soup if I’m not feeling well and do nice things for me. He lent me some money when I was in a grind. There is a closeness between us and he’s really a good man in general. He’s not looking for a relationship either, and we talk openly about everything. I’d say of my three lovers, he’s seen the most of who I am. I care about Doorman, but I am not in love with him. I am comfortable with him and trust him.
Now…Lady L could be a whole other blog post. She’s very sharp, outspoken, experienced, fun, and sexually evolved. She awakens something in me that I’ve never had the opportunity to act on before. I surprise myself around her because aside from the fact that I enjoy sex with her, I want her to cuddle into me. I want to kiss the nape of her neck and talk with her long into the night in hushed voices. I feel so….romantic…around her, but she also makes me feel nervous, like if I do the wrong thing, she’ll be gone. I feel like I understand cis straight men now, in some bizzaro way. I don’t feel the desire to “keep” her in any way, but I wish she were more affectionate with me.
So, there’s a run-down of what’s happening. Wish me luck tonight, oh random readers.