honest polyamorous reality

The poly adventure I last posted about didn’t happen exactly the way I had planned. The four of us planned this night and prepped for it to be “the night”…but what happened (after all the buffing and shaving and nervous laughter and dabbing of delicious scents) is that got together, shared a meal and hung out until Lady L waved the work-in-the-morning white flag at 11pm.

Nobody made a move. 

I thought it would have been Lady L, since she seemed to be the cornerstone in all of this, but now that I think about it, that was kind of unfair to assume. But I did. Truthfully, I was relieved because my romantic connection with Doorman had been waning and I kept looking over at him, wishing that it were Catch sitting in that chair. I saw Lady L and her BF out the door, gathered my things, and went home.

I later texted Lady L and said that there were no hard feelings (pun!) about the evening. I was glad we got a chance to hang out, all four of us. It is always a rule that enthusiastic consent is important, of course. I wanted her to know that I was fumbling with what to do next, too. When I got home, I had to sort of smile about all of this… it’s what real life sex and relationships are like! First times are clumsy and end differently than you expect, sometimes.

We all agreed to reschedule for the following Sunday evening. This time, we all swore that someone would make a move! I coyly promised to just take off my pants and let that be the cue. Frankly, I have a great ass and I like to flaunt it with lacy boy shorts. What better place? Doorman texted Lady L and I to tell us that he bought a sexy truth-or-dare icebreaker game.

Me: “Truth or dare? Are we in middle school?” I asked him lightly, snorting my amusement at his seemly studious problem solving skills.

Doorman: “It’s a little more daring than middle school!” he assured me.

Me: “…I doubt it. I had a really dirty mind then, too.”

Doorman: “I grew up in a small town. I wasn’t exposed to anything like that until college.”

Me: “Oh,” I said, realizing that he is far geekier and inexperienced than his exterior might suggest. That looming, scary, manly figure is really a dorky teenager who wants to play his first naughty game of truth or dare. Adorable? Hmmm…

Doorman and I went on “real dates” twice since then. He took me out for a pint one night and then out to a beautiful (and thoughtful) dinner a few nights ago. I couldn’t get past this distant feeling I got with him. I saw a friend in front of me, but I was digging deep for any kind of sexual desire. Maybe it was the fact that he lost his “edge” to me over the last few weeks, but I couldn’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know that feeling from marriage. That lying inner voice that assures me that if I “make do” I will enjoy it later. Nothing comes of that but resentment and guilt. I knew I couldn’t continue this. Things with Catch had changed me. I had to come clean with myself and with Doorman.

So, the day that Round Two of the poly playtime was planned, I bailed. I said I was overwhelmed. I told Lady L that I was going to pause things with Doorman for a while. I came clean with Doorman, stating that I was feeling like I needed to put sexy-times on hold.  I mentioned that I might be falling for Catch and I didn’t know how that played into all of this quite yet. I explained that I would still be a friend. Since the only “terms” of our relationship were, (1) this is an open, uncommitted relationship and (2) if anything should change for either of us, communicate it immediately, he received my news gracefully. Both Lady L and Doorman both basically said, “Ok, take care of YOU first. Thank you for telling me. I’m here if you need to talk. No sweat” And that’s that.

I told Catch about all of this, of course. I feel lucky to have such people in my life, because this experience could have been much, much more awkward. I am proud of myself for being honest and addressing it right away. That feels good. Everyone is communicating well and everyone is on the same page. It’s kind of amazing, really.

If love and polyamory are like this, I’m still stoked about it all. And maybe there’s a possibility to play with Lady L and her BF alone…or with Catch. Now THAT seems great to me.

To be continued….

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